Surprising Things You Will Learn In Couples Counselling
By Alicia
Couples counselling is always a learning experience for all parties. I wanted to offer a glimpse behind-the-scenes of couples counselling, but that is a tall order! Each session, each couple, is so unique; that processes vary tremendously.
So, here are a few surprising lessons that I’ve seen couples learn during relationship counselling.
The Golden Rule is bullshit
We were taught as children to ‘treat others as you would like to be treated”. We have heard this throughout our childhoods, when our ego-centric brains needed our own comfort and needs as a point of reference. Using our own needs/wants, and assuming they are the same with our partners leads to avoidable headaches.But in couples counselling, you learn this is not the sum-total basis for interactions with our nearest and dearest. Cultural differences, different love languages, gendered expectations, attachment styles and contrasting boundaries are just a few of factors that contribute to our partner’s needs/wants. Learning and understanding what drives our significant others, and how we can contribute and support them in the way that works for them is essential in couples counselling.
We vs. Me
We conceptualise our conflict with our partners as ‘us’ versus ‘them’. Who is right? Who is wrong? Who should apologize? Who is owed an apology? But in couples counselling, you will learn you are not on opposite sides of the conflict. You are in the same corner, teamed up against the problem/issue. It’s not ‘me’ vs ‘you’. It’s ‘we’ versus the situation. It’s a fundamental and important shift in thinking about disagreements. For example, a couple vying for control around how their finances should be arranged, can reframe the issue as “We need to find a solution/compromise around our financial goals”. The objective isn’t for one person to win the argument, but for the couple to realize they are on the same team. Which is why…
Your therapist is not your referee
Our goal is to facilitate communication and help you develop communication skills with each other. We are not a judge and jury. We will not pick sides. We are not umpires or referees - with the exception of calling a ‘time out’. Our role is to treat the unit, not the individual. But also, because….
In a relationship, no one is ever completely right or completely wrong.
With the exception of abuse of any kind, relationship issues, complaints, mistakes and events are viewed by each party through their own lens, that makes sense to them. This lens is shaped by their experiences, family histories, and previous relationships. From their perspective, their interpretation of the situation is true. Developing empathy towards your partner, and respecting their point of view ( even when you don’t agree) fosters trust and connection in a relationship.
Going to couples counselling can be nerve racking!
I hope this brief preview can ease some anxiety for those of you considering it. If you are on the fence about your decision, book a free 20 minute consultation with me. I would love to answer any questions you may have- and see if couples counselling is right for you !
