Reframing 'Shoulds'

When I hear 'should' coming out of my mouth, I think I've got a ball and chain attached to my ankle. 

'Should' is so heavy. It's so full of obligation. It's so judgmental. 

When I take the opportunity to think about why I'm feeling the 'should' in the first place, I also allow myself to make a change in that very moment and reframe how I'm thinking about that 'should.' 

What I do is I take the word, and I replace it with:

• Wouldn't it be great if I could...?

• I'd like to...

• I want to...

• I'd love to….

Doing this changes everything!

Sometimes, simple word changes can make a big difference in your day. 

It also helps you give laser vision on what you genuinely want to do or realize would benefit you most if you did. Let's look at some everyday examples:  

• I should be going to bed right now.

• I should be cleaning the dishes before I go to bed.

• I should be meditating.

Well, that doesn't do it for me in terms of motivation. How about you?

Sleep

Oh, glorious sleep. For the parents out there, I bet you've caught yourself pressing play on yet another of your favourite shows, 'shoulding' yourself all the way. "This time is my time… I'll stay up late to work, to rest, to numb out in front of the TV," but I'm going to be so tired.   

The days are long, the years are short, but the nights, oh the sweet nights, are where you get to be you for a few blissful hours. 

The ‘shoulds’ come out in full force when it's past midnight, and your alarm is set for 5:30 am to get the kids up and out for school, get to work, etc. This is a crap heap of obligations, and the lesson here is that you will make decisions that will affect how you find joy and space in your life and will be interspersed with the real obligations of work, school classes, meetings, etc.  

The key: let go of the 'shoulds' where you can, and feel the freedom when it feels right, without negating the benefit with a should.   

Dishes

There can be things in your life you do out of love for another, not just yourself, and sometimes they feel like 'shoulds.'  

If I do dishes, that will mean my partner will be happier, not angry, not frustrated or disappointed.  

A question to ask yourself when you feel a should come on is: Am I feeling a need to do this for me, or for someone else to protect me from negative feelings about myself? 

When I think about doing the dishes, I can also think, 'I don't need to do that right now' and that's okay, no judgment, no expectation; they'll still be there when I decide to pick up the dish soap and the (decomposable 😉) sponge in the morning (because the obligation to do what we can for mother earth can also fall in the should or want to categories, depending on your sense of responsibility and commitment). 

Here's another point: when you're doing something for someone else, it's a good practice to check in with yourself and see if it feels right and is in integrity with yourself or it's becoming a should.  

'Shoulds' go in the can along with the action that caused it to show up. Talk to your loved one if something needs to shift so you can enjoy the things you do, and that will invite you to let go of the things that weigh you down. 

Mediation

When I think about allowing myself to meditate, I think about the opportunity for me to have time for myself, to be in a flow, to take care of myself and to find some space in the chaos.  

I know that I am a better person when I carve out time because it's a meaningful activity.  

If I find myself 'shoulding' myself, I can quickly go down the rabbit hole of faulty belief systems like "I'm not enough" or the flip side of the same coin, "I need to push myself harder."  

Finding the motivation and inspiration to make a change can require some outside help, but that's what you can obtain with the team at Dancing Willow Wellness.   

Another word that comes along with the 'shoulds' is 'try.'  

A hint: find something that makes your body and mind feel light, not dragged down, that puts a smile on your face, gives you a sense of contentment, not a grimace. Something gives you the energy to do what you want rather than what you feel obligated to do. We could say that this is a state closer to being in integrity.

Have you ever thought about what 'try' really accomplishes in your life? I think you'll find that it's not a heck of a lot.  

Trying gives you an out. It allows you not fully to commit to something and feel like you don't need to do anything. Ever felt like saying you'd try to do your homework when you were a kid? How about you try and get up early and go for a run. I'll try and set up a time to get together with someone you'd rather not? 

‘Try’ suggests there is a barrier in your way to committing 100%; this is a question about whether you are in integrity. ‘Try’ might be telling you that something isn't feeling right for you.

'Try' can be a good friend, sending out a message to take notice and action.

It can be a symptom of anxiety, a fear of letting others down or not having good boundaries. I know that if I'm going to say try, it means that I'm not 100% sure that I can do it (often due to time and energy), and if I'm not 100% in my mind and my heart, it's probably not going to happen. Does any of this feel like your experience of 'trying' to do something? 'Try' can be a good friend, sending out a message to take notice and action.  

When 'try' shows up in your thoughts, go deeper and find a place within that feels more like wellbeing and contentment. Ask yourself, what part of this situation will make me happy? ‘Try’ will keep you from doing, and the key is to find the thing that will inspire change and movement.  

Switch it up!

You can apply this word switch method for 'should' and these elements of checking in to see whether 'should' or 'try' might bring you contentment.

• Wouldn't it be great if I could...?

• I'd like to...

• I want to...

• I'd love to….

• Is it for me or someone else?

• If it is for someone else, does it still feel good for me, or would a different option feel better? 

You can glean its message and then, like a Mission Impossible message, let it self-destruct.  

I wish you the best of luck getting rid of those 'shoulds' because when we stop 'should-ing' ourselves, the world will feel a little lighter.  I'd also like to encourage you to get rid of 'try' altogether, as a word it's not helping you that much anyway.

Here's to being more committed to whatever it is that you decide to put your heart and mind to. Here's to taking a step closer to living in your integrity.

Let me know what your next ‘should’ is, how you can change it and how you feel about this change in the comments below!