Friendships - the Good, the Bad and the Ugly

In the last six months, I’ve been talking a lot about rest and connection – both in articles (Rest is a Verb!, Radical Rest and Vibrant Growth: Ancient Wisdom for Summer) and on social media (Facebook and Substack).  I’ve also noticed it coming up in clinic more and more frequently.

One of the areas of rest that can be tricky at times is Social Rest.  Social Rest can look very different from person to person.  Introverts need a different type of Social Rest than those who are extroverts.  Extroverts also tend to need more Social Rest than everyone else.  It can get even trickier when you’re exhausted at the end of the week, you don’t want to leave your home and don’t want to see other people.  Adding to all of this, for many people, their social circle has changed a lot over the last four years.  For some it’s grown to an unmanageable size and for others it’s shrunk drastically.  Regardless of where your social circle is, we all need some Social Rest in our lives.  The question is how do we do this in a way that fills us up and feels good?

Five People

Several years ago, the idea that we’re “the average of the five people we spend the most time with” became very popular.  Of course, with this came a list of who we need in our inner circle for our greatest happiness to happen – the cheerleader, the mentor, the coach, a friend and a peer.  While there are copious ways that we can look at how different relationships affect us (Dunbar number, various psychological theories and more).  I also don’t believe that we need five specific people filling specific roles to be happy and healthy.  What we need are healthy relationships.

Red and Green Flags

If all we need are healthy relationships, how exactly do we find/create those?!  This is where the idea of red and green flags can be helpful.  The idea of red flags as warning signs for toxic behaviour in relationships has also gained a lot of popularity in the last five or so years.  Once red flags gained traction, green flags showed up as signs of a healthy relationship.  Red and green flags were originally linked to romantic relationships, but the principle also applies to friendships and this influences Social Rest.

Red Flags

When thinking about the people you spend the most time with, do any of these behaviours show up?

• The friend who only shows up when they want something from you

• The friend who makes it all about them (even when you’re trying to tell them about something important that’s happening in your life)

• The friend who’s jealous of your wins

• The friend who has to be the best (is constantly one-upping you)

• The friend who’s always pushing you to do things that you’re not comfortable with (ie: you’ve decided to stop a behaviour and they’re pushing you to do it anyways)

• The friend who’s judgemental or constantly criticizing you.

• The friend you need to put a show on for (you can’t just be yourself)

• The friend who’s never there when you need them

• The friend who lives in the drama, constantly complains and/or is always negative

• The friend who gossips about other people (it’s probable that they’re gossiping about you too)

• The one-sided friendship (you’re the one always reaching out or checking in unless they want something from you)

• The friend who never apologizes

• The friend who leaves you feeling utterly drained after spending time with them

These are all red flag behaviours that likely need to be addressed if you want to keep this friendship.  It may be hard to have these conversations, but it’s worth having them to see what comes of it.

Green Flags

When thinking about the people you spend the most time with, do any of these behaviours show up?

• The friend you can talk to about anything because you know they’re going to be supportive

• The friend who creates a safe space for you to show up exactly as you are

• The friend who validates your emotions and shows you empathy and compassion

• The friend who’s there for you when you need them

• The friend who wants to help you become your best self and is always reminding you how awesome you are

• The friend who supports your boundaries and the changes you’re trying to make in your life ie: you’ve decided to stop a behaviour and they’re encouraging and happy to change how you hang out to support that)

• The friend who holds you accountable (when asked) and does it with kindness

• The friend who supports you in doing new things you’re nervous about doing

• The friend who celebrates all of your wins and is truly happy for you (even when things may be hard for them)

• The friend you can have hard conversations with and know that it will be okay

• The friend who’s a positive person

• The friend who leaves you feeling energized and happy after spending time with them

These are all green flags that are the goal of a great friendship. 

Reality and Social Media

All friendships have a mix of red and green flags from time to time.  Ideally, there are more green flags than red and you can have the hard conversation when red flags do show up.  Beyond our inner circle of the five people we spend the most time with is social media.

These flags can be applied to the five social media accounts that you see the most in your social media platform of choice.  Consider the 5 people/accounts you see most frequently.  Do they leave you feeling better about yourself, more motivated to become a healthier version of yourself or do they leave you feeling less than, jealous or defeated?  If it’s the later, it’s time to do a social media cleanse and find people who lift you up, motivate you to be the best version of yourself and help you achieve your goals.

Who Do You Appreciate

After thinking about all the relationships in your life (actual people and social media), I want to encourage you to reach out to the people in your life who are always there for you, who embody some (many or all) of the green flags listed above and let them know that you appreciate them.  It will absolutely make their day!