For anyone who’s ever taken a flight, you’ve all heard the safety demonstration telling you to put your own oxygen mask on first, before you help others to do the same. This doesn’t just apply to flights, emergencies and cabin pressure changes.

The reality is, that as women, we need to learn to put our own oxygen masks on everyday.

Recently, I’ve heard from several women that they’re putting themselves last.  Some want to make a change and put themselves first and others have said that they “don’t exist” until a certain point because they’re so overwhelmed by life, the demands on their time and energy, as well as everything else that’s happening on a daily basis. This also includes caring for their loved one.

Choosing to put yourself first is the same as putting your own oxygen mask on first. It goes beyond the ‘self-care’ that marketing companies sell as a luxury. This is not expensive bubble baths or a new pair of shoes. This is meeting your basic needs as a human being, and moving you from survival mode into a state of thriving and beyond.

As a healthcare practitioner, when women say to me “I don’t exist” or “my needs aren’t important” or “I don’t have time to work on my health” or anything else along those lines, what I hear is “I’m not worthy of love and compassion”, “I’m not worthy of having a life I love where I’m thriving instead of barely surviving” or “I’m last and I don’t have enough for me”.

What’s worse is these women are teaching the people in their lives to demand whatever they want until that woman drops everything to help them.  These women are teaching their children, families, friends and acquaintances (and really anyone who wants anything from them) to push and push until they get what they want and that these women will say yes eventually.

Are you one of these women?

I’ll let you in on a little secret - I used to be.  I’m not any more.  I put my own oxygen mask on daily and remind myself that by focusing on my health and wellbeing, I’m better able to show up and help my family, my friends and my patients.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are critical!  ‘No’ is a complete sentence.

I struggled with boundaries for years.  I often found myself saying yes to things I really didn’t want to do or saying yes to things I didn’t have the time or energy to do.

I’ve spent years working on learning to say no and setting up boundaries that honour my time and energy.  Boundaries that put me first.

Boundaries aren’t selfish.  Boundaries are healthy.

Boundaries are how women thrive in a world that wants us to do everything, be everything and be available 24/7.  Doing everything isn’t achievable.  Being everything to everyone isn’t achievable.  Being available 24/7 isn’t actually possible.  Instead, it’s killing you.  Sometimes it’s slowly, inch by inch or sometimes more quickly but either way, it’s killing you mentally, emotionally and physically.

Setting Boundaries

While setting new boundaries isn’t always easy (sometimes it can be really freakin’ hard!), it does feel really good to stand up for yourself and what you truly need in the moment.

When setting new boundaries with people who’ve benefited from you not having boundaries, it’s likely going to be uncomfortable in the beginning.  It might even make you want to give in just to make it less uncomfortable.

Don’t!

Hold your ground.  You’re saying no or setting a boundary for a reason.

The individual you’re setting a boundary with likely won’t expect the boundary.  It’s more likely that they’ll push to see if they can get you to do what they want.  Continue to stand firm and know that you’re doing this for your health and well-being.

The individual may yell at you or say some mean things and may even threaten to cut you out of their lives.

If they’re a true friend, they’ll cool off and realize that you have their and your best interest at heart.  They may even thank you later.

Setting Boundaries at Work

Setting boundaries at work can be harder, but start small.  If your boss piles on the work and expects you’ll get everything done, ask them to set the priority.  Tell them how much time you have to accomplish whatever the tasks are and ask them to tell you which is most important.  As you start to set boundaries, your boss may start to give the extra work to someone else.

Consider reading the book Essentialism by Greg McKeown - there are several stories of how people created better boundaries at work.

Setting Boundaries with Your Kids

This is critical!  If you don’t have boundaries or don’t stick to your boundaries, you’re teaching your children that it’s okay to push until they get what they want.

They will carry this into their lives as adults and use it to push others into saying yes to things they don’t really want to say yes to.

Teaching how to set healthy boundaries is also something they’ll take into adulthood and it will serve them more in the future.  You can teach them that it’s okay to ask for help but not to expect the help.

Meeting Your Basic Human Needs

Simply put, we all need to breathe, eat, drink, rest and sleep.  If you aren’t meeting your basic needs on a daily basis, it’s likely that you’ll struggle with health issues (ie: digestive or skin problems and more), higher stress levels that can create health issues (ie: high blood pressure and more) and mood issues (ie: depression, anxiety and more).

As you meet your basic needs as a human being, you can stop feeling stretched too thin.  You can stop struggling to simply survive and start to work on creating more space for yourself and creating boundaries that will allow you to move from barely surviving to surviving and then to thriving.

Setting Yourself Up to Thrive

Do you remember the last time it felt like you were thriving?  Have you forgotten what it feels like to be well rested, well fed and relaxed?

If you can’t remember, take some time to notice where your energy is being drained and what you’re doing to help replenish your energy.  

Replenishing your energy might be as simple as making sure you’re getting outside daily.  It might be scheduling water and food breaks throughout your day.  Choosing to treat yourself like a young child who can’t take care of themselves may be the best way to see where you can give yourself time, love and the gift of thriving instead of merely surviving.

By choosing to set yourself up for success, you help those around you do the same.  When you’re fully rested and renewed, you now have the energy and ability to help others put on their oxygen masks. 

What’s the first thing you’re going to do for yourself?  Let me know in the comments below!

ANDREA